Loss

It is difficult to write this post, maybe not even appropriate, but I need to write; share my grief. My older brother John died; we believe he died Saturday evening or Sunday morning. He missed a church event Sunday; Monday he was getting together with our nephew, he never arrived. Tuesday morning my nephew and a neighbor went to his house; finding him dead on the floor. We believe he had a heart attack. I hope he died instantly! The thought of him suffering and having no one there to help him is awful.(10-22 having returned from John's funeral I have more accurate details of his death. He was found by a neighbor and friend; he was in bed, in his normal sleeping position, hugging his pillow; he must have died instantly, there were no signs of distress. I am thankful all signs indicate he died without trauma or suffering. I continue to suffer the loss.)

He was a special, special person. A true southern gentleman; gracious; hospitable; always paying respect and being proper; attending all family (many generations) weddings and funerals; he had exquisite taste, giving unique and lovely gifts...at Christmas everyone, adults children and in between, looking forward to opening Uncle John"s gift. John was an extraordinary cook, entertaining perfectly.

He was a recovering alcoholic...When he stopped drinking, about 30 years ago, he left his practice of law (which I believe he never loved) and began counseling; moving on to supervisory roles. He was never married or with a significant other or partner...very quiet about his personal life. He loved genealogy tracing our family to about 1400...it was his passion.

When my parents reached the point they could no longer live on their own they moved to Tennessee near John. He said it was like expecting twins, only the twins were 89 and 90. My father died shortly after moving there; my mother lived another 10 years. John and Mama became wonderful friends....he cared for her, keeping her happy and going strong. When she died, just short of 100 years of age, he said he'd lost his best friend.

And I have lost the brother I've loved for as long as I can remember. He wasn't my best friend...I actually don't have a best friend. His passing leaves an enormous void in my life...in my soul! Memories: we waxed the dining room table together..testing it for being shiny enough involved sliding the polishing cloth across the table with out it slowing down. Don't know why that's such a fond memory.

He wrote beautifully. He was in the army between college and law school; I was in high school. When he was stationed in Europe, letters home were amazingly descriptive; what he wrote about came to life for me. Once he described gargoyles on a castle, I was certain I saw them when I closed my eyes.

And I feel my heart is breaking. When my younger brother called telling me John died, I kept saying "I don't want to hear this. Stop, don't tell me!" Sobbing and sobbing...talking in a whisper or almost screaming. I continue to cry; feeling empty and devastated. Tomorrow morning I leave for Tennessee and his funeral. I feel so empty and sad.

I think of the Palestinians, especially those in Gaza...loosing family and friends in such violent ways. The constant fear they experience for themselves and their loved ones. During the bombardment and invasion, it must have been horrible....death happening all around you. And they live with loss and fear day in and day out! The my brother's death causes me to think deeply about loss. How are the people of Gaza able to continue....they've lost so very much; homes, jobs, loved ones, possessions...and they have the loss of their freedom! I admire their spirit and determination greatly!

I admire my brother. I love my brother. I don't want to hear that he is gone. My heart is breaking; I am filled with a painful emptiness. Loss is terrible, beyond words!

If you've stayed with me through my emotional rambling....thank you. I appreciate your reading this. I needed to write....whether or not anyone read my words of sorrow. Thank you!