beyond difficult

This is difficult to write...there are many thoughts swimming around in my head, conflicting thoughts. Tuesday was a nightmare trying to reconcile the conflicts to my advantage ....it was impossible. The day did have a bright spot, a few delightful hours.

The young couple who gave me candies were here with a friend preparing to go out into the world They observed my distress and invited me to join them...then they insisted. Nour would not let me decline the invitation; she's a very determined young woman who charms you into compliance with her smile and laughter.


The four of us spent time walking and playing in traffic. I thought I was becoming proficient in the art of crossing streets...they are masters of the art. We joined hands crossing a five lane highway... accommodating six lanes of traffic...they didn't blink an eye. Then we stood on a tiny divider before crossing the next part of the highway.


We went to a large mall complex to go to the movies. Yes, all the way to Cairo and I'm going to the movies . We discussed and debated what to see; they wanted me to decide ..I said no; no scary, no guns, no blood and I'd be fine...they would have to choose. We went to see "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" which I thoroughly enjoyed...just the right amount of action, fun and romance to keep my mind occupied with something light and funny.


After the movie there was more walking and playing in traffic....then dinner...Egyptian food.... a popular dish; spaghetti with a clear sauce and spices...it is served in a bowl and needs to be tossed to spread the sauce around. Individual small dishes holding tiny pieces of meat they are tossed into the spaghetti. I can't remember what it's called but it's very tasty!! 


We topped off the meal by walking to the wonderful bakery...they also offer wonderful ice cream. Big problem....no mango! We passed on the other flavors and walked back to the hotel.


Once in the hotel the reality of my situation returned. There are few if any chances left for me to use in my quest for Gaza. Thinking of not being there breaks my heart. I'm aware the obstacles are beyond my control; that doesn't make me feel any better. Games are being played.... bureaucratic games, diplomatic games. It's disgusting! My tax dollars at work!


When visiting the US Embassy the second time I was told my going to Gaza...my reasons and hopes for going were "Diplomacy at its best" And my government won't even make it possible for me to be that "diplomat." I have moments of being angry but mostly I am so very, very sad. There is also disappointment but the sadness has overtaken my feelings. I am not falling into depression...it's entirely different.


 A good sign, I have not lost my sense of humor....if that disappears I'm in big trouble. Tuesday night at 2:30 or 3:00am Egyptian time I called my friend in Ohio...it was comforting to hear her husbands voice when he answered the phone. Nancy and I talked until the minutes on my phone card were used up. Our friendship began in 1980...one of those relationships that no matter how long it has been since we've spoken, we pick up where we left off. She was laughing at my silly "coping" comments...her laughter lifted my spirits. It always does!  


Ken has been helpful, encouraging, supportive...all the things I've needed...(except for forgetting my birthday). At home he's taken over giving the cats their treats and tries to hold them up to the phone so I can talk to them...really! We are a bit crazy with them but not as crazy as our neighbor whose cats think they've died and gone to cat heaven. She pampers them so much...feeding one cat chocolate pudding from a spoon....or my brother and sister-in -law who take their csats for walks in a cat stroller. Talking on the phone with ours sound almost normal, right?


How do I tell all the people who've support me...emotionally, spiritually, even financially? How do you tell them "mission not accomplished?" What disappointing words!


Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen...one of those calls holds the key to the Rafah border crossing...I'm on my way to Gaza!